The Clunker Manifesto: Dawn Breaks over Japan!

Bonus short story distributed with movie tickets to Tatami Time Machine Blues. (1/2)

A special roundtable discussion to commemorate the completion of Samurai Wars: Slayers of the Bakumatsu.

Moderator: Welcome to our roundtable for Slayers of the Bakumatsu.

Ozu: Woohoo! [applauds]

Moderator: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to attend. Slayers of the Bakumatsu is a sci-fi period drama about Ginga Susumu, a Kyoto college student who has a superpower which turns anyone he comes into contact with into a complete slacker. Ginga slips back in time to the Bakumatsu era, where he inadvertently slacker-izes a number of major historical figures, brings about a time paradox, and destroys the universe. Now that Akashi has finished the editing process, we’re holding a no-holds-barred conversation about the inside story of the shoot. Please keep in mind that this conversation will be printed in a pamphlet for distribution at the campus festival.

Jōgasaki: …So how come you get to be the moderator?

Moderator: Because I came up with the original concept for Slayers of the Bakumatsu.

Aijima: You’re not even part of the film circle, are you? You’re just an outsider.

Moderator: What does it matter?

Jōgasaki: And how come we’re doing this in your room?

Moderator: This was the green room for the shoot, and since it’s been over two months I thought it would help stir up some memories.

Jōgasaki: You realize how many of us there are? We’re packed like sardines in here!

Hanuki: Oh, stop complaining. Forget about Jōgasaki, let’s go go go!

Jōgasaki: You had even less to do with the movie than him, Hanuki! You weren’t part of the cast or crew!

Hanuki: What, so you’re saying I shouldn’t be here?

Jōgasaki: No, that’s not what I…

Hanuki: I was running around helping with the catering and a bunch of other stuff.

Moderator: Let’s begin with the shoot. It started on the morning of August 11th behind this apartment building, at the landlady’s place. It was a scorching day, and the shoot was plagued with all sorts of issues.

Hanuki: You wanna talk about inside stories…

Moderator: Yes?

Hanuki: There’s only one story that matters.

Ozu: You mean the time machine? Man, that was a blast.

Moderator: I don’t think that’s worth discussing here.

Hanuki: What do you mean, not worth discussing? Not worth discussing? What could be more interesting than a time machine?

Moderator: Yes, but this roundtable is supposed to be about Slayers of the Bakumatsu. Let’s drop the time machine for now.

Hanuki: Are you serious!? Then what else am I supposed to talk about?

Jōgasaki: Okay, I’m just going to be straight with you, I hated this movie. The source material was garbage, the structure was all over the place, the social themes were nonexistent, and the ending was a pile of shit. Movies are fundamentally a critique of society, you all need to get that into your heads.

Akashi: Thank you for your critique. I’ll take it into careful consideration.

Moderator: Please refrain from critiquing the movie, this is not the venue for that.

Aijima: I agree completely with Jōgasaki. The story was obviously ridiculous, and the characterization of the protagonist was flimsy at best. This contrived nonsense about “turning people into slackers” clearly exhibits a lack of care. You could hardly consider him an actual human being, though my performance was certainly able to cover some of those flaws.

Moderator: Look, we’re here to talk about the behind-the-scenes stories from the filming.

Jōgasaki: It was like no one was in control of the set.

Aijima: It was like a barnyard. Now, if Jōgasaki had been the director, that would never have happened.

Hanuki: You really thought it was that bad? I thought the crazy atmosphere was a lot of fun.

Ozu: Yeah, all those little fires that kept breaking out really heated things up…

Hanuki: Remember that couple in sound and lighting that had that giant fight?

Ozu: Yeah, I kept trying to help them out with advice between takes, and then outta nowhere they just blew up! I guess love really does make people act crazy…

Moderator: By advice, you mean you were fanning the flames.

Ozu: But I hear they’re doing hotter than ever. You hear about the crew member who left a letter and quit? They were already unhappy with how the circle was running, so I just gave ‘em a little nudge.

Moderator: So you were behind that too!

Ozu: I hear they joined some rockhounding club called “Friends of the Stone”. There was all sorts of trouble going on that day, I couldn’t get enough. The piece de resistance was when I tried to climb up that statue of the kappa lord and knocked it over…

Akashi: It’s a good thing no one got hurt.

Moderator: But the landlady didn’t let us hear the end of it.

Ozu: Okay, okay, maybe I did put a little too much hustle into things. I’ll be careful next time. But those Shinsengumi boys were wild. Who knew that you could get so worked up over lunch? They were really swinging those swords, you can’t blame me for trying to take refuge with the kappa!

Hanuki: I still can’t believe what the real deal with that kappa was.

Jōgasaki: Don’t start. I wish I could forget that ever happened…

Hanuki: Hehe. You really got shafted there.

Jōgasaki: It wasn’t my fault! That was all Higuchi!

Moderator: I’d like to remind all participants to refrain from talking about the time machine.

Hanuki: Come on! That was the most interesting part! And if not for the time machine, I wouldn’t have been able to see the shoot for myself. It was so much fun. Ozu’s Iwakura Tomomi was nightmarish. I think Higuchi performed really well. He fit Sakamoto Ryōma to a T.

Jōgasaki: Are you shitting me? Literally the only line he had was, “Dawn breaks over Japan”!

Hanuki: Well it was more convincing than your Saigō Takamori.

Jōgasaki: Hell no! And how come Higuchi been so quiet this whole time?

Hanuki: He’s been dozing off this whole time. Apparently he didn’t get much sleep last night.

Jōgasaki: This guy…

Akashi: Hanuki, what was your favourite scene?

Hanuki: Hmm, I’d have to say it was the end, the part where the imperial patriots and Shinsengumi and Bakufu officials get in a ring and start dancing and chanting “Party on, dudes!” It felt really joyous. I mean, of course the universe gets destroyed right after that, but if it’s all going to come to an end you might as well party, right?

Aijima: That was merely a ripoff of Fellini. I thought it was cheap.

Moderator: That was the last scene we filmed, wasn’t it? I think everyone was surprised to find out that was the end of the shoot.

Akashi: [surprised] Were they?

Jōgasaki: After all the crap that happened, what else would you expect?

Aijima: I thought that the film had been destroyed with the rest of the universe.

Akashi: I see. I never thought about it that way.

Hanuki: That was a day I’ll never forget. That’s how it is a lot of the time, isn’t it? Like, you go on vacation, and you run into all sorts of problems, and it sucks while you’re going through it, but afterwards when you’re telling the story you just laugh about all the crap that happened. I think that’s how it’ll be for Slayers of the Bakumatsu.

Jōgasaki: Well, I won’t forget it, that’s for damn sure.

Aijima: Yes, and I hope I’ll never step foot on such a horrible set ever again.

Akashi: [sighs] That was a lot of fun.

Ozu: When you’re making a clunker, you might as well enjoy the ride.

Moderator: Don’t call it a clunker!

Ozu: But it is a clunker.

Akashi: That’s alright. Clunker’s fine by me.

Hanuki: Akashi, why are you so into clunky movies?

Akashi: Because they’re free. Clunkers are freedom, freedom is clunkers. That’s why clunkers will never die.

Hanuki: Whoa, that’s clever! It’s like, the clunker manifesto!

Moderator: Sounds like we’ve got a title for this roundtable. And with that, it’s time to wrap things up.

Ozu: One last word from the Master!

Jōgasaki: Higuchi gets to take us out? I don’t believe this.

Hanuki: [taps Higuchi’s shoulder] Higuchi? Higuchi! You gotta say something before the roundtable ends! Hurry up so we can hit the bar!

Higuchi: [sits up abruptly] Ladies and gentlemen, dawn breaks over Japan!